2013, for me was a year of realizations. Quite a few anagnorisis and peripeteia moments.  The focus of last year, at least emotionally for me, was healing the wounds left by Rakilyer’s suicide, late in 2012. I never foresaw that she would do that.  I always thought that she had the emotional resources – friends and family – around her to cope with the ups and downs of life.  I was wrong.

Rakilyer had a very troubled upbringing, and to my mind, the root of her problems were ignored.  It was far easier for her to blame other people (namely men) in her life for her problems, than to accept responsibility.  I guess we all have a need to externalize our problems. As for me, I do blame myself for many things when it came to Rikki.

She was my first love, and when we rediscovered each other in 2009 after almost 19 years, that love was rekindled.  As the relationship progressed, I found that I was loving someone who did not have my level of self-confidence and self-assurance.  Insecurities quickly reared their heads, and irrational jealousy ensued.

I persisted in my relationship with her, but as her alcoholism and jealousy grew, I had to call an end to it. The tragedy of it all now slowly becomes clear.

Rikki always needed to be blameless.  It was her way of coping with rejection.  She hungered for news of her ex-boyfriends, looking for things to give her the emotional reasons to hate these men. After she found a reason, she’d commence a campaign of malicious attacks against her male enemies. One such person, whom I will call R. for this discussion, was so badly harrassed by Rikki that he brought up an AVO not only against Rakilyer, but against myself and my Brother.  Anyone who knows my brother and I will attest that we are the least likely people in the world to participate in such a campaign of hate, we’ve grown up and moved on from such youthful pettiness. She must’ve scared the hell out of him.

On breaking up with Rakilyer, I deliberately severed all ties with her.  All contact was halted.  I made pains to reiterate to anyone who mutually knew Rikki and I that I “wished her all the best” and that I “didn’t hate her”.  I hunkered down and deliberately did my best not to rile her. When she got a new boyfriend I was personally relieved.  The prank calls abated and my life normalized.

Or so I thought.

Rakilyer wanted to contact me again. In August of 2012, she tried to impersonate an old friend of mine and set up a meeting.  Pretending to be this friend, she asked about my reationships and I said, with all honesty that I “was with a couple women who I might of married, but I didn’t”. I told this supposed old friend that I “couldn’t speak ill of them because some love still remained”.  I called this old friend of mine and confirmed the prank.  Needless to say, I didn’t turn up to this Prank Meeting.

I understand now the place that I had left Rakilyer.  I was a man who still loved her, yet I couldn’t be with her. I didn’t hate her, but I didn’t want to be around her. I left her with no one to blame, and no way to escape the realization that she was responsible for the breakup between us.

Then on December the 15th, 2012, Rakilyer committed suicide.

I was left with “what-ifs”. Namely, what if I had wrote to her or emailed her.  But that action itself would have just meant a green-light for her to re-start the relationship again.  The way she harrassed her past-loves was the molotov cocktail to the bridges of contact.  And my own way of “hunkering down” confused her even more.

For a long time I blamed myself for this tragedy, but in all fairness, I was just part of the puzzle.

Was I responsible for Rakilyer’s upbringing?  Was I part of her life for very long?  Was I responsible for her workplace and career progression?  Her alcoholism? The people she associated with?

No.

I played my part of this tragedy, but my part was only a fragment of the tale.

I grieved for her through most of 2013.  I found solace at Church and slowly came to accept not only my own part in this, but my own reasons to receive forgiveness for what happened too.

In the end my own pain is minimal compared to that of Rakilyer’s daughter and family. Rikki didn’t need to go this way and I never wished this on her.  I think we will all miss her.