Real Life Jef

I've had a bit of time on my hands to really think about what I am doing wrong with my life. I think I've been too concentrated, too fixated on some things, not to have noticed the imbalances in other parts of my life. I have desperately wanted approval from people I hold highly and forgotten other people who were just as important.

I want her. I want her to say she needs me. I want her to be real in my life, instead of just being a part of her games.

I desperately fear that one day she will just throw me away like another game she has grown bored of. I want to be valued by her, and in chasing her approval, I have started to lose those qualities that attracted her to me in the first place. I do not blame her. I blame myself.

I have chased my desires too heavily and become something... less.

Step 1 - Accepting the reality of your self.

The hardest thing for me is to have a dream. So many times I have wanted something in my life. I've tried to strive for my dreams, but I've either given up part way through and hit roadblocks that have seemed too unsurmountable, or I've had my dreams turn horribly wrong.

Over these many years, I've slowly become more accepting of my lot, but also, more accepting of myself. Since my employment difficulties back in 2002-2003, this has been a time of reflection and also of seclusion. I deliberately hid myself. Slipped into a routine that allows me to be easily distracted from really chasing a future that is really mine.

I feel like a shadow of the man I used to be. I've kept myself away from friends and family I hold so dear because I have chased a mirage, an illusion. I spent too much of my time chasing something that doesn't exist. I could be angry at the source of this illusion, but I can't, because I let myself do this. I thought it could fill the empty spaces of my heart and soul, but realize now that it has made me feel even more heartbroken and soul-less. It's just a coping tool for a reality I have created.

I realize the pain I am in. I realize the illusions in my life. I realize my need and desire to change

A couple weeks ago, I woke up and realized something startling. I asked myself the question, "What have I done towards chasing the dreams and aspirations in my life?". I could not answer myself. For a long while in my life, I have drifted with the flow of life. I let the days roll by, one after the other, almost to the point where it seemed as if each day was a copy of the last. I was not acting for myself and with that I was feeling more and more disillusioned and disheartened with the passing of each day.

This journal is a rebirth of a blog I started a couple years ago. The old software was old, cumbersome, and all it seemed to attract were spam-bots offering prescription medicine and WoW gold. I too had let my old blog go untended without continual posting and instead of being a journal of my life, it became a vehicle of other people's dreams. So I deleted the old, and replaced it with something new.

This is a testament to that same need. I am replacing my attitude to life. I am removing the doubt and fear that has ruled my life and replacing it with the actions I need to bring my aspirations to life.

This is my book of change.