Real Life Jef

Here I am, a man of my age asking what is the point of it all? Some people spend their lives geared towards that ever so short moments of ecstasy, release and helplessness. Some people tie it up impossibly with romance. Others place a price on it. Can one have it without altering your soul irrevocably? No. Can you have Sex without Love? Yes. Having it without some measure of regret is another question. At what point does logic end and the instinctive, reptile part of the brain takes over?

I'm still trying to get my head around it all. I know I need it, at times I crave it. I suffer for it and I work towards it. Why is it such a driving factor in my life? Why do I think that if I had my testes removed, it would solve all the deep seated problems in my life?

Adulthood is a strange beast. Who can readily say they know it all? I'm only just discovering this part of my life as I move from crippling depression to a level of confident self-assuredness. A path is before me which I know will take me where I need to go. I just hope I can find what I want and what I need.

I've had a bit of time on my hands to really think about what I am doing wrong with my life. I think I've been too concentrated, too fixated on some things, not to have noticed the imbalances in other parts of my life. I have desperately wanted approval from people I hold highly and forgotten other people who were just as important.

I want her. I want her to say she needs me. I want her to be real in my life, instead of just being a part of her games.

I desperately fear that one day she will just throw me away like another game she has grown bored of. I want to be valued by her, and in chasing her approval, I have started to lose those qualities that attracted her to me in the first place. I do not blame her. I blame myself.

I have chased my desires too heavily and become something... less.

Step 1 - Accepting the reality of your self.

The hardest thing for me is to have a dream. So many times I have wanted something in my life. I've tried to strive for my dreams, but I've either given up part way through and hit roadblocks that have seemed too unsurmountable, or I've had my dreams turn horribly wrong.

Over these many years, I've slowly become more accepting of my lot, but also, more accepting of myself. Since my employment difficulties back in 2002-2003, this has been a time of reflection and also of seclusion. I deliberately hid myself. Slipped into a routine that allows me to be easily distracted from really chasing a future that is really mine.

I feel like a shadow of the man I used to be. I've kept myself away from friends and family I hold so dear because I have chased a mirage, an illusion. I spent too much of my time chasing something that doesn't exist. I could be angry at the source of this illusion, but I can't, because I let myself do this. I thought it could fill the empty spaces of my heart and soul, but realize now that it has made me feel even more heartbroken and soul-less. It's just a coping tool for a reality I have created.

I realize the pain I am in. I realize the illusions in my life. I realize my need and desire to change

Going past a cheap store today, I picked up this howler of a chinese toyset. I just couldn't go past it. I put it on the same level as "All your base". As one might already know, translation in most of these toy companies goes to the least skilled english speaker in the company (as the rest of them are making deals to sell them.). This set epitomizes this "chinglish" perfectly and with much humour. Let me do go on about it.

What grabbed me first about this playset was its obvious miss-spelling of the title. "Super Weapom" Is this some sort of veiled insult to the British? Super We-a-Pom? Or is it just a case of a slipped finger on a computer keyboard? This question puzzles me greatly.

Link: http://www.sambakza.net/amalloc/amalloc_frameset.htm

There are times in everyones life when they are "awakened" by their searches. Recently, I've had just such an "awakening" after looking for some answers regarding the much acclaimed flash animation series "There She Is" by SamBakZa.

I've been a fan of this series for roughly 3 years now. The story of a growing love between a Cat and a Rabbit in a society that does not allow for their union is both touching and humorous. The artwork and soundwork is perfect, and the attention to detail in all 3 of the "There She Is" story-line is incredible. SamBakZa also did a previous flash-animation, "HotFish - Same, but different" which shares many of the same imagery and inspiration as their later works. It is a great pity SamBakZa was unable to secure the permission from the owner of the music in this work to allow "HotFish" to be views publicly any more.

Like most viewers, I was content with their work. The beauty and simplicity of their style - the story of love. But then I realized that there was more to this series - a message beneath its cuteness. I wanted to know more about it. I wanted to know the inspiration behind the social divisions between Cats and Rabbits in the series.

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